life

and i miss you, like the deserts miss the rain

"we're all living in a moment, even right now..."

what moment are you living for?

expression

tu jahaan mai vahaan

(whereever you are, i'm there)

sang sang yun chaloo tere

(i'll walk along side you)

jaise tera aasmaan

(like the sky above you)

some of my friends have been nagging me to post something new. so here i am posting something of debateable significance. i'm not a fan of the blogs where people write about mundane daily activites. snore. i'd rather read a VCR manual. i usally just write my thoughts on whatever seems important at the time. but i have a hard time actually sharing alot of what i write. and especially now due to the pressure of incessant nagging. :) so here is something i wrote a while ago. oddly enough, on the subject of writing itself.

i'm not so pretentious to call myself a "writer" but, as one who writes often, it's funny how you think. i'm not sure if writers experience this, thoughts that are so complex, its a wonder how they are confined to paper. sometimes i get thoughts so complex, i can't even remember them in my head. maybe that is how it is meant to be. great thoughts, while, you cant remember them, nonetheless leave an impact. another irony is how someone, like myself, who is articulate and has a flair for communicating, has the most trouble communicating what i want. not as in, what i want as a possession, or where i want to live, or even my goals for tomorrow. but my real desires. desire is so much more different than want. want gives the implication of not discerning how deep a level that want goes. and it can be quite superficial. but desire has the understanding that they reside somewhere deep inside a person. depths that few can open up, or may even be indiscernible to the person. i have a lock on my thoughts and desires like the club to a steering wheel. i'd like to be able to open up more, but it is such a hard thing to change.

so for now there will be the lucky few who'll be able to reach me on that level. especially the few who nag me to death. :)

for the request line

love forever love is free, let's turn forever you and me

windmill, windmill for the land

is everybody in?

apparently, my fan-base is proliferating. to honor the many requests, i shall post something (of substance) soon.

but i struggle to concoct something as good as this.

it is the essence of inspiration.

refund

these tears stain the wood, like cups and condensation

i am bound to you i cannot break the situation

wouldn't it be a novel idea if you could ask somebody for your heart back? things just don't work out the way you planned, or the relationship takes a wrong turn... no worries, full refund for the loverlorn. it's just like money-- if you dont get that money back, how else are you supposed to offer it up to the next person? much on the same level, is it fair to the next person if people in your past still hold your heart? of course not.

to get your cardiac refund, just head to the Battered, Bruised, and Broken Hearts department of Target.

easier said than done.

reminiscent

Ay amor, me duele tanto

me duele tanto

Que te fueras sin decir a donde

Ay amor, fue una tortura perderte

i love going through old journals. i came across something that i wanted to share. a little morsel of big wisdom from a good friend. it resonated so much with me back then that i wrote it down:

"'if'... is a ticket to an eternal preoccupation with the past and with how it could have been. the fact remains we can only make today's choices with today's information, wisdom, and providence."

if: another word that i need to eliminate from my vocabulary.

tangential

i like the way you touch me in places
i heat up and my heart races
deeper, i'm falling in love

clocking in at 2:45 a.m., its apparent that sleep will merely be an elusive concept tonight. my head is swimming with a million, irrelevant thoughts and they won't seem to stop. my brain is playing a marathon game of hopscotch and i want out. some things i can't get out of my head:

* is the concept of a "soulmate" the real deal? or a load of bullshit? can you have more than one? how do you know if someone is the mate for your soul? does being a soulmate necessitate a romantic aspect in the first place? and is it possible that one can have a soulmate, but said soulmate is not necessarily who you are meant to be with? if so... then what is the point?

* i'd love to move. soon. a new city. new people. a real start to an adult life. i just can't seem to move fast enough in that direction.

* i really want kids. my own family. something about summer revs up that maternal desire. (or maybe it revs something else up) if only it were more socially acceptable to have the carriage before the horse...

* the Black Eyed Peas were so much better pre-Fergie. am I alone on this? her voice is good but she seems so fake- more than your average run-of-the-mill popstar. pop in behind the front and listen to "joints and jam." yeah, i told you so.

* when did i get so cynical? i have no recollection of being so jaded before. will life ever lead me back to where i lost my rose-colored glasses and optimism? or should i just embrace and accept this new view?

* WHY CAN'T I SLEEP?

* i often have elaborate, far-fetched dreams of settling down with a musician. a real rock star. not a jon bon jovi type rockstar. his music is too cheesy and the feathered hair weirds me out. i prefer john mayer-esque, singer-songwriter musician types, fully equipped with an acoustic guitar. someone like this.

* speaking of michael tolcher... i met him! sunday night at summerfest. he was taking pictures and signing stuff at the merch table. since we were still waiting for gavin de graw to get on stage, i decided i'd try to meet him. amidst a throng of bottle-blonde 15 year olds, i waited patiently to talk to michael. saving the best for last, michael finally turned to talk to me. and as he signed my shirt, i said: "I am a big fan of your music. i bought your album before it was released. i'm so glad you're doing well and good luck with your music, the tour and everything else."
michael then said "thank you." *cue brilliant and adorable smile* "that is the nicest thing i've heard all week." and then he proceeded to give me a hug. ha! i didn't even need to ASK for one. he just wanted some sweet fatima lovin'(TM). he even asked which songs i liked best off the album and why. he seemed very nice and down to earth. and as we hugged, i proceeded to melt in a puddle. right there. in his arms. its a wonder how i'm even typing this entry in my liquid state. i'm contemplating becoming a groupie. can one become a groupie if the musician is still under the radar?? i'm willing to find out.
in retrospect, i wish i had been more candid with him. i would have said something more like "i love your music. the songs are great. blah, blah blah. what do you say we go back on the bus and i'll let you 'feel the deen?'"

world view

per the folks at quizfarm.com, i am a cultural creative.

Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational.

Cultural Creative: 69%
Postmodernist: 63%
Romanticist: 56%
Existentialist: 50%
Fundamentalist: 38%
Modernist: 31%
Idealist: 31%
Materialist: 25%

what's your world view?